Reasons why I started this

The main reason I started this blog is that I needed a place to write about anything I wanted to. I don't have anyone to really talk to about things, especially my frustrating moments. Since we're in a new place I don't have any close friends and my family is 6 hours away. I've journaled most of my life but needed a fresh place to let off some steam. I'll give you some exerpts from my latest journal....

On one day....

There was an article in either "Parents" or "Parenting" magazine about how Moms live with fantasy lives in their heads because they don't have a real outlet to express their deepest thoughts. Sounds like me! I can't talk to my sisters because they're far way. I can't talk to my ILs because they don't care. I can't talk to the kids because they don't understand. I can't talk to my hubby because he doesn't listen or seem to care what I talk about. He doesn't seem like he wants to have conversations with me. When he comes home he'll read the paper immediately after dinner--rather than wait until the kids are in bed. He'll sit & watch "Wild Discovery" while he's eating--rather than sit/stand with us in the kitchen. Why can't he eat with us in the kitchen, play with the kdis until bedtime, take a shower, & then sit & relax with me...& talk & read the paper? Too hard? The other day he told me he'd be home by 5:30pm. Well, he didn't appear until after 6pm. By the time he appeared I had fed the kids, cleaned them up, washed the dishes & highchair, & swept the floor. They were both playing when he came in. He didn't even bother to call to tell me he'd be so late. When he "cleans" after dinner he'll wash the dishes & thinks he's done a great job. What about wiping off the counters & placemats with cleanser? What about rinsing out the dish bucket & sink? Oy! It makes me wonder if he realies the difference betwen when he cleans versus when I clean up.

A week later...

I find it odd that my life is what it is. I feel like a fraction of the person I used to be. I've just got me here to support & amuse myself. No real girlfriends to hang out with. I can only talk about the small details of my day & my hubby is not interested in hearing anything about that. He could live his days not talking to anyone. But me? I need human/adult interaction! You cannot imagine how lonely I feel. How isolated I am. No wonder I bitch about the small things in my life. I've got nothing to do but ponder on those things. I've got nothing to look forward to. No time away from my life. The daily grind of being home with the kids & no one to really talk to. You know what? It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs....but if I start to scream I fear that I won't be able to stop. So I scream silently in my head for fear of becoming crazy or appearing crazy. How pathetic & sad does that sound? I used to be ALIVE. I mean, I had a bunch of friends. I was physically in shape. I had a good job. I had a quiet yet fun existence. But now? No one hears me. No one cares to hear me. I have no allies near me. I'm fat. I'm lonely. My heart is sad. These are the thoughts that women keep inside their heads. I wander aimlessly through my days in hopes of finding....finding what? Someone to truly care about me. Some understanding. Hope....