A lesson learned

As he walked away from her, she wanted to yell at the top of her voice.

I love you! Don’t be mad. I do love you.

But the words didn’t come out. The words repeated in her head. She silently screamed the words to herself in her mind. Over and over again.

I love you. Don’t be mad. I do love you.

He couldn’t hear her silent screams. He couldn’t feel her pain. He couldn’t feel that she was dying inside. He felt pain of his own. The pain of being rejected. He continued to walk away. Angry at her. Angry at her rejection.

All she wanted was to feel safe. With him. To be safe in his arms. He was her first real love. But that was over. She had ended it. And now they were both dealing with her decision. Her decision to end their relationship.

The two had only officially been a couple for 4 months. But they were interested in each other for over a year before they made it official. They made each other happy just being together. They were private about showing their affection. In a crowd, they’d stand close together. They wouldn’t fawn over each other. She was so painfully shy. Holding hands. Talking. Laughing. They loved to laugh together.

But then it was over. Like a flash in his eyes. And she knew she’d hurt him. But she only did it because she wanted more for him. He was a popular guy. She knew other girls were interested in him. She wanted him find someone who could be with him more. Go out at night. Hang out after school. Someone who wasn’t shy to show their affection in front of others. He deserved more than what she could give him.

What solidified the decision for her was what happened at home. The drama in her own home.

You see, the day before her older sister had run away from home. Her sister also took some of the Christmas gifts they’d all received the month before. Her sister had run away with her boyfriend and taken the family’s extra car with her.

So this was the main reason for the breakup. Her sister had run away with her boyfriend. Her parents were understandably upset. How much more traumatized would her parents be if they found out that she had a boyfriend? She didn’t want to find out. Also, she knew that her father would be even MORE strict because of her sister. She’d NEVER get to see him.

Therefore, she felt that she was doing what was best for everyone around her. Alleviating any undue stress her relationship would cause her parents in their already tension-filled home. Freeing the boy she loved from being bound to her so that he could find someone else. She felt like she was being a good person by what she was doing. She was keeping the peace. She was taking the burden of being unhappy upon herself. So that no one else would get hurt. Granted, he was hurt now. But he could find someone else easily.

His anger lingered for some time. And she couldn’t escape him. They had a class together. Thankfully, they didn’t have assigned seats so they weren’t trapped next to each other. But she was always within hearing distance. She could hear the angry words he spoke to one of his buddies. She stayed still. Never saying an unkind word back to him. Trying to keep to herself. One day it was all too much in that class. She could feel the emotions begin to bubble over. Luckily, the teacher excused her. And she made it to the bathroom and cried. And cried. Hot tears of pain. Angry tears. Lonely tears. Then she composed herself and walked back into class and quietly sat down.

Her parents searched. No matter where they looked, the parents couldn’t find their daughter or the boyfriend. Her father tightened the rules. Her mother was depressed and having migraines and cried a million tears. It was like walking on pins and needles at home. And she had let go of the best thing in her life.

Her heart would break a little each time she saw him. Because she knew how much she’d hurt him. And because she still loved him. The love that she felt was locked up inside her. Keeping her warm. Keeping her strong. Helping her remember of those few golden months of pure happiness. Moments that she couldn’t get back to. But only cherish in her mind.

Time did march on. Her sister reappeared for a moment over a year and a half after she left. Her sister came back with her boyfriend, who was now her husband, and their baby. They had selfishly left and started their lives. Yes. Time did march on.

And the girl? Nothing was ever the same for her and that boy. The two ended up being cordial with each other. They never returned to any kind of close relationship, though she yearned for it dearly. Yes. She still loved him through it all. Remember her love for him was locked deep inside her heart.

But she did learn from the experience. That she could make tough decisions, even at the expense of her own happiness. She learned that she could make sacrifices in her life to make the lives of others easier. Even when they didn’t realize she was doing it. She turned into the good girl. Smiling. Laughing. Living within the rules. Trying not to be selfish. Keeping her dreams within the realm of reality. Never really reaching for those stars.

And her hope? Is that her children will never have to sacrifice their dreams. She’ll do whatever it takes so that they don’t have to do what she did. That THEY will always reach for the stars.