The reason for my absence

I've been online but just not writing.

I've been reading how everyone else is doing.

Absorbing as much happiness that I can from the web.

My mood has been down.

While I try to remain lighthearted and fun with the kids, my own personal mood has been less than stellar.

As you know, the kids are I are here in Southern California and my husband is still in Arizona with our house and with his new job.

This week my entire world turned over.

On Thursday night after I put the kids to bed, I finally sat down and turned on my computer.

I found a new email from my husband and I immediately opened it.

As I read the second sentence, my breath caught in my throat and it felt like my heart was being squeezed.

What I read was that my husband wants a divorce.

He didn't call me.

He emailed that I would be getting a package from him sometime next week and that it would be divorce papers. 

Just out of the blue.

That's what he emailed to me.

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Let me jump back a second.

I had a brief conversation with him on August 21st that should have clued me in to the writing on the wall.

Me: I had a bad nightmare last night.
Hubs: What was it about?
Me: I dreamed that I was running to you, then threw my arms around you, and then we kissed.

I have to tell you that I felt SO happy in my dream. I could feel the giddiness of my heart to finally have his arms around me. Then it happened.

Me: We broke from our kiss and then you looked at me and said "I want a divorce".

My heart was racing and not in a good way. I mean this dream woke me up from a dead sleep. Those words from his mouth woke me abruptly.

Me: I don't have to think about that, do I?
Hubs: [pause] Well, you're there and I'm here.
Me: What does that mean?
Hubs: I mean, you're there and I'm here. And I have no idea when or if I'll ever get out there.
Me: So you're still planning on coming out here for Labor Day, right?
Hubs: I may just be out there for Prin's birthday.
Me: Oh...

I was too stunned to ask anything else. I was just so surprised by his response. There were no words of comfort. No words to make me feel better.

I ache inside. The life that I thought I had and was going to have with him is now gone. After no discussion at all with me about what we could do to fix the situation, it's gone. I've been crying every now and then since Thursday night. When I feel overwhelmed at the thought of what's to come. I tear up. As I was getting the clothes out of the dryer this afternoon, I broke down for about a minute.

But I must go on. I can't just give up. I've got my two kiddos to think of. The two lights in my life. I'll never give up because of them. But my heart is still broken.