Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The beginning of the end?

How am I supposed to go about gracefully?

My heart feels heavy. My lungs feel like I'm not getting enough air. My stomach feels full of acid. My mind is tired. I feel like I can't keep my shoulders up. It's slipping away. It feels like my marriage is going down hill. It feels like I'm the only who's trying to keep this thing afloat.

Shouldn't he be feeling at a loss? Is he so callous that he's just going to let this happen? Isn't he going to try to apologize? To offer the olive branch, for once?

I'm going to ramble on a bit here and there about stuff that is mulling about in my head about last night...

"How was your day honey?" : Do you really listen to the answer? Each night I ask him what his plans are for the next day. Usually this'll get him talking about stuff. When he comes home after work, I'll ask what happened based upon what he told me the previous evening. I'll ask about how his co-workers are doing. I'll ask about his computer system, which he has had issues with since he started. When he gives me an answer I ask him additional questions regarding his response. It's my job to be interested in what he's been doing. Right? Sure, he'll ask the question but will go on with what he's doing. I'll give him the short version. He never seems to delve in any deeper than that though. It's like he's asking because he has to ask, not because he's really interested. It's like he's only asking because he feels obligated to do so...not because he's interested. I would think he'd at least get more information on the kids' day. But I end up telling him their antics...after I've given him enough time to ask on his own (I'll usually wait until after the kids are in bed at 8pm).

Lack of affection: How could you forget to give your spouse a good-bye kiss? I've mentioned it before. Sometimes he'll just head out of the house and not give me a peck on the head as I lay there still sleeping. Then we've somehow lost the "good night" kisses along the way. I don't get the huge hugs that I used to get each morning and each night. When did those stop?

Mumbling: I come from a family of mumblers. Not when we talk to someone! When we're upset we'll mumble to ourselves under our breath. It's a way to get the negative stuff out of our system. He knows that I mumble when I'm ticked. A couple times I've been doing it when he was in the adjoining room and he's said "Enough" or something else. Last night I finished up my dinner and I got the Bear out of his highchair (as he was also finished) and took him into the livingroom. Then I hear him mumbling to himself as he's moving around the kitchen. I said "What did you say?" No response. I let some time go on and I hear him again. I say "What are you saying?" He says "I'm reminding myself what I need to do at work tomorrow." Yeah-right! I think he was bitching about how he was having to clean up after dinner. How many fricking times a day do I have to clean up?

The "D" Word: We were watching TV with the kiddos last night. He said something that I can't recall but I responded with "I'll just move back to California. Just be ready to pay alimony and child support." He said "Well, I have to win the lotto first."

He basically stopped talking to me after this brief conversation. He ended up having to put hand soap fluid in the container in our bathroom. I've done this a million and one times and haven't said a word to him. He walks to the kitchen, gets the fluid, walks back to the bathroom, refills the container, walks back to the kitchen, then puts the fluid container back. Wasted motion? Yes! He's notorious for that. I would have brought the container over to the kitchen & filled it there & then returned to the bathroom. Not only does he do this bit of wasted motion but he moves in slow motion, especially when he doesn't really want to be doing something (like wash the dishes). It takes him a half hour to wash the dishes sometimes -- he doesn't even sweep the floor and wipe the counters. It's just washing the stuff I used to prepare dinner! And it's not like he dries the dishes either. They airdry on the plastic tray. Oh yeah! Then he had to replace the batteries in the mouse. I could hear him banging the mouse on the table. Then I saw him walk (again) to the kitchen and grab some batteries. Umm... aren't you even thankful that I bought a slew of batteries when they were on sale?

The Lamp: The day before yesterday I told him that I was going to move the lamp to his side of the bed. This way it's associated with the light switch next to our bedroom door. Since we've moved here, the lamp (yes, we've only got one for our bedroom) has been on my nightstand. I don't know why because even though it's closest to the door it's also close to the bathroom sink (there's no door separating). So all the lighting is focused on one side of the room. Anyway, yesterday after he got home I moved the lamp onto his nightstand. He seemed irritated that I'd moved the thing. Why?

What're you eating?: Every evening he drinks about 6 ounces of milk before he turns in. Some nights he'll grab a cookie to go with his milk. I'll usually say "What're you eating?" He'll say "A cookie. YOu want a bite?" Last night was one of those nights. He sat down on the couch as I was watching The Amazing Race. I asked "What're you eating?" He didn't even look at me. "You can see what I'm eating." What the fuck was that response? Couldn't you see I was asking that as a way to start a conversation?

Alas...I am tired and need to get some things done. The Bear needs to eat some lunch, then I need to pick up the Princess from preschool.

Can anyone give me any advice? Words of encouragement? I'm on the verge of tears. But I can't because I have to be strong for the kiddos. Any help would be great. Thanks all for reading.

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