Staying at home

I read a thread on a message board recently regarding the "best" and the "worst" things about being a stay-at-home Mom.

Here are a couple quotes as to the worst things about being a SAHM:

"...feeling like a mad-woman trying to manage monkeys. feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and burned out. wondering some days..."WHY? WHY did I have kids"? feeling trapped, isolated, lonely. 24/7 mommy is the hardest job in the whole wide world. no "ifs", "ands" or "buts" about it. "

"I have no patience, I cannot play Barbies or legos seven hundred times over again, I lose my temper when I shouldn't, I feel guilty for wanting time to myself, I feel bad that I have no desire for another child, so she is an only, and she has no one to play with, wracked with guilt about whether I'm doing anything or everything right, too tired to be an adequate romantic partner to my spouse, have no money of my own, feel like most of society treats me like I can't form a sentence because all I am is "a mom," even though I have a PhD and used to be a college professor and archaeologist......oh, I could go on and on."

"...general day-to-day plodding thru of stuff. Some days are GREAT, but some days are pure drudgery! Some days you could just walk away (metaphorically of course!!!) from the whole deal. Sometimes I do wonder whether this is my only purpose in life, LOL - to wipe bums and snot and vomit up..."

"The worst thing is the lack of respect from others who think I sit on my a** all day and watch tv. I wish! Being away from other adults all day, every day, is very exhausting and sometimes stressful. After being home for awhile I began to feel that I wasn't "me" anymore."

"Worst is the total lack of control over ANYTHING. I am pretty tightly-wound - an absolute control freak - and even after 6-1/2 years, I still cannot get used to the fact that I just don't know what's going to happen today. I might have plans, priorities, whatever - but they might all be ditched by breakfast time, based on what the monkeys are doing."

"...when people just assume you lack education or any type of experience? What is that anyway? I've had more people be rude to me just because I'm standing there holding a baby. I constantly feel like I have to justify myself. People on the street think they can mess w/ me because I sometimes wear pink and drive a minivan! When is the world going to dump the stereotyping?"

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It helped me realize that. I. AM. NOT. THE. ONLY. ONE. STRUGGLING.

Not all of us transition into stay-at-home Moms easily. I know that for me, it's been a long journey. When I was in school, I didn't have boyfriends. Let me correct that. In the 8th grade, I had one very amazing boyfriend. I had a lot of friends who were boys, but no boyfriends. No romance. So I had it in my head that I was going to have a career. I didn't sit and learn much about cooking. I tried to keep supervising my younger sister (12 years younger than me) to a minimum. I didn't develop my nurturing side. Not in the least. I studied hard. I graduated from college (first one of the daughters to do so). I started my career.

I was successful at what I did. I was driven. I enjoyed the challenge. I was on process improvement teams. I helped install new accounting software. I took on tasks above and beyond my job description. I loved being in the midst of the chaos. My hard edge personality worked well with what I did. I kept the troops in order. I made sure folks turned things in a timely manner. I was a friend to everyone, but if they didn't do their work? I was very pointed and direct with them to get THE. JOB. DONE.

Actually, I turned out very much like my father. He came from a military background. Everything was either black or white in his eyes. No grey matter. Things are either right or wrong. Moral or immoral. I had my opinions on how things should be done and that was that.

Then I got married. I continued my career path. Four years after we were married, I became pregnant with the Princess. My husband and I both agreed that a family member should be at home with our child. Both of us came from situations where even if both parents worked, someone from our family watched us. We wanted to have that for our child. The decision? I would quit my job. I went from working full-time one week to being a SAHM the next.

What's funny is that when I told my family that I was going to stay at home with the Princess, they didn't believe me. They couldn't picture ME at home alone with a baby. They knew me too well. They secretly felt that I wouldn't be at home long. They figured I'd get to the end of my rope and go back to work. But I haven't. I'm still sticking to the task of being at home. At least until the kids are both in school. That's exactly what MY Mom did. That's the kind of thing we both want for our children.

You know what drove me crazy when I first was home with the Princess? Aside from the colic that lasted for 6 weeks? Was that I had NO ONE to talk to all day long. I ended up being one of crazy looking Moms who'd talk endlessly to her baby. In the grocery store, I'd pick up items and show the Princess as she lay there in the baby carrier. I'd ask her questions like "Do you think we should buy some tomatoes for salad this week?"

Yeah. I know I looked like a MAD woman. But at least I was talking. I just about pounce on my hubby jabbering up a storm when he'd come home from work. I had this tremendous NEED to talk to people. Sure, I could call my sisters. But it wasn't like they were right there. Thankfully, the Princess and I started attending a Gymboree Play & Music class and we clicked with a few Moms there. I do recall a time when one mom and I were walking down to the Starbucks after class. I was telling her how difficult it was for me to be a SAHM. A man was walking into the Starbucks behind us. He heard what I was saying and had this "Yeah right. It's SO hard being at home" look on his face. I tell you, I almost turned around and smacked him upside the head.

For a person like me who thought in terms of black and white. Clear cut delineations. Dealing with a baby was the hardest to deal with. Life is all about GREY when interacting with a baby. You might have a plan for the day, but your baby has its own agenda. Learning to live life in the "grey" has been quite a challenge.

What' s the worst part for me? Not having any private time. Sure, I have alone time. When? When I'm in the shower and when I'm asleep. But I can't really RELISH in that time alone, you know? I really get no break. I've not had more than one day apart from both my kids since they've been born. We don't live near family** that would otherwise allow me some time off. I know that if my family lived near us, I'd be able to take a couple hours for myself each week. Time to get my hair cut & colored (which I haven't done in 3 months). Time to go to the library & browse. Time to sit still and not have anyone climbing on top of me. Time to breath.

My biggest wish right now? To take an entire WEEK off. An entire week away from everyone and everything. But is it practical? No. That's why it's a wish.

It's been 4 years now since I began my career as a SAHM. I still struggle with my role. I have to say that I can't wait until both kids are in school - even half a day. That would at least give me time alone. So that's the point that I'm striving to get to. To have both kids in school. Oh yeah...but before then I'll just work on trying to bring up a couple of loving & grounded kids. I know. I know. That's the MOST important thing.

** When we lived near my hubby's family, we didn't get any help. Everyone worked (or so the excuse goes).