Sunday, May 8, 2005

Strong love

When the Princess gets busted, she does this drama thing. She runs away and cries. When she comes back with a face full of tear streaks and red rimmed eyes, she says "Do you still love me?"

This breaks my heart every time. Yes. We've had the discussion that even though she gets busted, we love her. We love her no matter WHAT she does. Our love never stops. She gets busted because she's not following the rules. And it's our job to make sure she stays within our rules.

I have to say though that her reaction tonight made me stop and think.

Do the people in my family do things that make me love them less?

I realize (especially these last few days) that I do love my older sister *B* and my younger sister *D* much more than my oldest sister *M*. Why? Some of you might recall this post from last year.

I have to say that since *M* departed from my life when I was 13 that I've never really reconnected with her. Sure. I love her because she's my sister. But I don't love her with the same intensity as I do *B* and *D*. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think I've ever forgiven *M* for her actions. She's never apologized to me about what she did to our family. I know *M* has never said anything to *B* or *D* about it. I don't think she's ever really apologized to my parents. I can see her not saying anything to us sisters, but shouldn't she and her husband have made real amends with my parents? What's crazy is that after they came back into our lives, they still had the nerve to ask my parents for financial help. If it was me? I'd give them a whopping NO!

But if you did what she did, wouldn't you apologize to people? For disrupting their lives in such a devastating manner? I mean, my Mom was crying all the time. I didn't know it then but she was going through a depression. My Dad was being even more strict than he was before. I think that was his response to not feeling in control of the situation.

Through this period of upheaval, *B* and I became close. We shared a room. We'd talk to the wee morning hours about life. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our reality. We shed many tears together in the dark. She was the one person I could rely upon. She was the one person I could open up to without judgment.

What's interesting is that *D* was just a baby when all of this happened. She was too young to know anything. Thankfully. She didn't know the pain that *M* caused the rest of us. Yet, even *D* doesn't have a real relationship with *M*. Isn't that weird?

Yet....I am as close to *D* as I am with *B* (and *B* and *D* are close to each other also). *D* will call me and talk to me about her boyfriend. Her life. Her plans. Her dreams. Her reality. She knows that she can tell me anything. And I'll keep it to myself. She trusts me. She trusts that I'll listen. Without judgment.

Truth be told. If anyone messed with *B* or *D* -- I would be there to defend them both. Like a Mama Bear would defend her cubs. If anyone messed with *M*? I don't think I would do anything. Is that selfish? Is that rude? Maybe. But it's the reality.

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